Helpful Concepts and Tools

Some of my clients kiddingly call these reminders "Ray-isms"

The Serenity Prayer

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Stated in a different way: If there is something you could or should reasonably be doing differently than that which you are doing now, then do it...make a plan and do it. If not, if there isn't, then let it go. This is helpful for dealing with worry as well as with anxiety.

I can't control how the other person, the group, the neighborhood, the world feel, act, believe or what they say. All I can really change is myself, and strive to be my best self.

Key Knowing - You'll Be OK

I can't anticipate every unforeseeable situation, but, no matter what happens, I will deal with it, and I will be OK.

Boundary Reinforcement - Al Anon's 3 C's

It is important to create and manage boundaries between yourself and a friend/relative/loved one who is dysfunctional, and who, like a cosmic black hole, sucks up all the energy and life from people around them.

"I didn't cause this (the other person's dysfunction or situation), I can't cure this, and I can't change (or control) this."

More Boundary Reinforcement

It affects me (whatever is happening, because I live in the real world), but it's not about me, meaning I don't have to own it and take it personally. I can see that what other people choose to do or to say is largely about them, not me.

Also, it's not about me, don't make it about me.

Present Moment

Learn from the past, then let it go, never fear the future, and, as best as possible, live fully in the present moment.

Worry

Worrying is a coping strategy that provides the illusion (only the illusion) that we are actually doing something to address a source of anxiety. Anxiety is the body's response to uncertainty. Worrying is not healthy or productive and it is NOT the same as planning and preparing. Worry does not add anything, it only distracts and drains.

Faith

"We can walk by faith, or we can walk by fear...choose to walk by faith."

This was given to me by a client.

Alone

Know that being alone does NOT have to mean being abandoned. Know that when someone is saying "good-bye" and is leaving, it does NOT necessarily truly equal being abandoned and being made vulnerable. Even if our interpretations and scar tissue from past wounds may make it seem that way.

Criticism - Don't Take the Bait

Remember, don't take the bait.

You can neither fix nor please the constant critics, so don't go into that loop where you continuously and relentlessly seek their approval. Take criticism as more information. Consider whether it is valid, and if it is, then act on it to correct your position or behaviors.

Don't take criticism as an indictment of you as a person...take it in, use it positively, but don't take it personally.  When we do take it personally, we empower the criticism and the critics, disempower ourselves, miss the positive message(s) that might be found within the criticism, and put ourselves into a defensive mode, which is NOT usually our best self.

Being a Victim

Resist seeing yourself as the victim. This disempowers you!  It is not your best and strongest self. "Victimhood" is a bad neighborhood. You can visit it briefly, but you don't want to live there.